If Only I Had

If only. If only I had. If only I hadn’t.

That was my mindset for about 36 hours this weekend.  I carried it with me everywhere I went. I struggled not to make my pity party to grand or too obvious. Although I believe to have looked at me, you might have wanted to give me a hug.

And so. Here we are. Today.

If only. If only I could. Let go of what I don’t need anymore.

Sitting with regret. Blame. It allowed me to see. To acknowledge all of the “if only’s.” And their utter worthlessness.

I was hanging on to the unchangeable past. “If I had only gone to this school and not that school.” “If only I hadn’t dated that dolt for so long.”  “If only my parents could have provided x,y and z.”

To have compassion for yourself, allows you to have compassion for others. I sat with that.

And, any more than that, I don’t honestly know how I let go, but this morning, I woke up knowing I had.  I am grateful.

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2 thoughts on “If Only I Had

  1. If you manage to leave this incarnation without regrets, congrats, because you’ll be the only human that’s ever done it. No one’s perfect, no one gets through without mistakes, and most of us look back on those mistakes… with regret.

  2. I’ve made plenty of mistakes. I have plenty of things that I have regretted. However, it is time to move on and be who I am now. What we do with our baggage. Carry it every where? I will always have my experiences that shaped me. That have brought me here. That is my path. But, happily, I have found through my meditation practice, a way that allows me to travel my path much less encumbered. Lighter. Again. I am grateful and happy to share the fruits of such a practice with all.

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